Here, according to experts, are the most common cheating dilemmas, and their solutions:
1. Your child was caught cheating at school. She did it but she denied it. – Tell her to own up–she already did one thing that was dishonest; lying about it will only double the mistake. Explain to her that the teacher will be far more able to forgive and trust her again if she admits she did it, and why. “I was afraid I’d do badly,” or, “I wanted to be sure I had the right answer so I checked Jane’s paper and then I got worried I was wrong,” are honest, from the heart responses. Your child may have to take an F, but she’ll walk away from the incident knowing it’s behind her. Then be sure to have a talk with her about what each of you expects from her performance. One or both of you may need to adjust the picture. You can’t expect A’s all of the time. Be certain she knows that if she’s made her best effort, you support her no matter what.
2. Your sixth grader is upset because a friend keeps asking to copy off him during tests. He let him, because he wanted to help, but feels bad about it. – First validate your son’s feelings. He has a right to feel upset. His work should be his own, but it is important to help a friend. However, he’ll need to see that help that requires jeopardizing oneself is complicated. He’ll also need to discover that there are other ways, besides cheating, to support a friend who’s in trouble.
Suggest that for now, he should simply let it go. But, next time a test is announced, have him ask the friend if he wants to study together. If the friend says no, and shows up again unprepared, advise your son to say, “I worked really hard for this test. Please don’t ask me if you can copy again. I offered you help. Besides, I’m worried we’ll get caught if we keep coming up with the same answers.”
In this way your son will be offering help, but also protecting himself. If he doesn’t feel he can stand firm, you may have to explore his possible fear of losing the friendship. You’ll need to point out that a true friend wouldn’t ask him to endanger his own reputation, or use him to do the work for two.
3. Your daughter mentions she knows the questions that will be on her test because her best friend in another class took it the day before. – It’s too much to expect a student to tell the teacher, “Don’t give me this test because I already know what’s on it.” But, you can explain to your daughter the hidden risks both to herself and her classmates. Often teachers decide to switch questions just to ward off this kind of information transfer. Also, if a teacher is grading on a curve and your daughter is the only one who does super well, it would be unfair for everyone. Encourage her, in future, to avoid these discussions with her friends.
4. You catch your son about to turn in an upperclassman’s old paper as his own. – If you’re like most parents you’d probably want to start screaming. Unlike impulsively copying off someone’s ‘paper, this move took some planning. Still, try to resist the urge to rant; this cheating doesn’t mean you’re raising a “bad seed.”
It could mean you’ve got a student on your hands who doesn’t plan well, has other things on his mind (like girls or soccer practice), is insecure about his own writing skills, or who decided to take the easy way out.
Focus on the why of his behavior, and let him see that you know he’s a decent person. It’s the only way to help him develop the confidence and the skills to do the work himself.
Make it clear that while you’re unhappy about the cheating, you’re more worried about the cause. If your son doesn’t feel attacked, he’ll more likely be able to identify the real problem. Then you can help him to complete his own paper on time, or ask for an extension. He’ll likely suffer a lower grade if he’s late, but it’s better than the risk of getting caught. He’ll learn that facing up to a mistake and accepting the consequences is something he will recover from.
When a child cheats, most often it’s because he’s too afraid not to. Keep the moral fiber of your child in perspective. Concern yourself with building his self-esteem. In the end he’ll gain enough faith in his own work to do the right thing.
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